Jokes!

[Foo Hong]

Any jokes....[:p] Bettas jokes of cos is best ! :D

[Ronnie Lau]

What is the difference between a guy falling down from 10 feet and one from 100 feet >

Ans : One goes "THUMP ...AHHHH!" while the other goes "AHHHHH...THUMP".

[Ronnie Lau]

What is the difference between a guy falling down from 10 feet and one from 100 feet >

Ans : One goes "THUMP ...AHHHH!" while the other goes "AHHHHH...THUMP".

[Foo Hong]

:D :D :D

[Foo Hong]

:D :D :D

[Myron Tay]

:D :D :D

[Myron Tay]

:D :D :D

[Foo Hong]

So most of u have eaten fillet o fish.

What do you call a burger with fillet made of fish from short finned betta?

[Foo Hong]

So most of u have eaten fillet o fish.

What do you call a burger with fillet made of fish from short finned betta?

[Myron Tay]

Don't know. What?

[Myron Tay]

Don't know. What?

[Foo Hong]

Oh come on......just a sandwich with fillet made from short fin bettas...quick...more tries!

[Foo Hong]

Oh come on......just a sandwich with fillet made from short fin bettas...quick...more tries!

[Sebas]

mcplakat

[Sebas]

mcplakat

[Samuel Phan]

[B)]

[Samuel Phan]

[B)]

[Foo Hong]

[B)] [B)] [B)] [V] [V] [|)]

Its ROTI - PRA - TA, which is short for ROTI - PRAKAT - BETTA

[8D] [8D] [8D] [:p] [:p] [^]

[Foo Hong]

[B)] [B)] [B)] [V] [V] [|)]

Its ROTI - PRA - TA, which is short for ROTI - PRAKAT - BETTA

[8D] [8D] [8D] [:p] [:p] [^]

[Ronnie Lau]

One day 2 ministers in a nearby country were seen busy working under the hot sun. One was digging up holes along the side of a road and the other immediately filled them up. This went on for a few hours until some reporters went up and asked them what exactly were they doing. Dr.RightafterL proudly answered "we saw what our neighbour did to make their city greener and we, as usual, would like to copy by planting trees alongside our major roads. 3 of us ministers are setting example by planting the trees ourselves. Our plan was that I dig the hole, Dr.Bodoh plants the tree and Mr.Boh Liao covers it up with soil but unfortunately Bodoh did not turn up but we cannot stop just because of his absence. So Boh Liao and I just proceeded to do our parts lah...."

[Ronnie Lau]

One day 2 ministers in a nearby country were seen busy working under the hot sun. One was digging up holes along the side of a road and the other immediately filled them up. This went on for a few hours until some reporters went up and asked them what exactly were they doing. Dr.RightafterL proudly answered "we saw what our neighbour did to make their city greener and we, as usual, would like to copy by planting trees alongside our major roads. 3 of us ministers are setting example by planting the trees ourselves. Our plan was that I dig the hole, Dr.Bodoh plants the tree and Mr.Boh Liao covers it up with soil but unfortunately Bodoh did not turn up but we cannot stop just because of his absence. So Boh Liao and I just proceeded to do our parts lah...."

[Foo Hong]

:D :D :D

[Foo Hong]

:D :D :D

[Myron Tay]

:D :D :D [8D] [8D] [8D]

[Myron Tay]

:D :D :D [8D] [8D] [8D]

[Foo Hong]

A meeting was going on for hours to give a unique building a
appropriate name. As the meeting bear no fruit, they decided to call in some refreshments. Twenty minutes later, 3 caterers brought refreshments into the room. After laying out the refreshments, the 3 caterers cannot help but notice the scale down model of the building that was sitting in the center of the meeting table. So out of curiosity the caterers asked them some questions which created a great impact in giving such a unique building an appropriate name.
And the questions are as followed :

> > > > > 1st caterer : Explain leh, why the roof have so many triangular protrusions?
> > > > > 2nd caterer : Explain leh, why the building look like a pair of housefly's eyes?
> > > > > 3rd caterer : Explain leh, why the roof looked like durian?

Suddenly the CEO shouted : I think we should call this building
"The Esplanade" . So "The Esplanade" is actually the singlish version "explain leh"

[Foo Hong]

A meeting was going on for hours to give a unique building a
appropriate name. As the meeting bear no fruit, they decided to call in some refreshments. Twenty minutes later, 3 caterers brought refreshments into the room. After laying out the refreshments, the 3 caterers cannot help but notice the scale down model of the building that was sitting in the center of the meeting table. So out of curiosity the caterers asked them some questions which created a great impact in giving such a unique building an appropriate name.
And the questions are as followed :

> > > > > 1st caterer : Explain leh, why the roof have so many triangular protrusions?
> > > > > 2nd caterer : Explain leh, why the building look like a pair of housefly's eyes?
> > > > > 3rd caterer : Explain leh, why the roof looked like durian?

Suddenly the CEO shouted : I think we should call this building
"The Esplanade" . So "The Esplanade" is actually the singlish version "explain leh"

[Myron Tay]

:D :D :D

[Myron Tay]

:D :D :D

[Myron Tay]

EVER WONDER where we are headed...

...why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

...why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

...why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

...why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

...why doctors call what they do "practice"?

...why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?

...why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

...why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

...why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?

...who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?

...why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?

...why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

...why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?

...why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

...why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?

...if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

...why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?

AND...

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Myer hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Chips: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of*Palmolive soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)

On some* frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On*Nanna's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a*K-Mart iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."* (now, somebody out there, help me on this.* I'm a bit curious.)

On Nobby's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

I don't blame the company.* I blame the parents for this one:* On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

[Myron Tay]

EVER WONDER where we are headed...

...why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

...why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

...why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

...why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

...why doctors call what they do "practice"?

...why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?

...why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

...why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

...why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?

...who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?

...why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?

...why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

...why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?

...why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

...why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?

...if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

...why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?

AND...

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Myer hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Chips: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of*Palmolive soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)

On some* frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On*Nanna's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a*K-Mart iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."* (now, somebody out there, help me on this.* I'm a bit curious.)

On Nobby's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

I don't blame the company.* I blame the parents for this one:* On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

[Ronnie Lau]

Overheard this converstaion ...
Stoopy went up to Bodoh who was carrying a sack....
Bodoh: I have something in this sack., you can guess or not?
Stoopy: I can because got sound what, chicken right ?
Bodoh: Wah so clever can guess just by sound one. Heh if you can guess how many chicken are inside, I will give you both of them.
Stoopy: Let's see...I guess 5 .....

[Ronnie Lau]

Overheard this converstaion ...
Stoopy went up to Bodoh who was carrying a sack....
Bodoh: I have something in this sack., you can guess or not?
Stoopy: I can because got sound what, chicken right ?
Bodoh: Wah so clever can guess just by sound one. Heh if you can guess how many chicken are inside, I will give you both of them.
Stoopy: Let's see...I guess 5 .....

[Chris Yew]

The prime suspect of the September 11th attack on the World Trade Center in New York City, bin Laden, was captured at gunpoint, as he fled an underground passage in a remote mountainside of southern Afghanistan.

Click here to continue the news...
http://www.mini-player.com/default.asp?process=1

[Chris Yew]

The prime suspect of the September 11th attack on the World Trade Center in New York City, bin Laden, was captured at gunpoint, as he fled an underground passage in a remote mountainside of southern Afghanistan.

Click here to continue the news...
http://www.mini-player.com/default.asp?process=1

[Phil]

Ok guys here's one to get rid of so call "smart alexs".



Two strangers are sitting in adjacent seats in a plane.
> > One guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will
> > go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow
> > passenger."
> >
> > The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly,
> > takes off his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?"
> >
> > The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know - how about Nuclear Power?"
> >
> > The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty
interesting

> > conversation. But let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow,
> > and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets;
> > the cow, big patties; and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is
> > that?"
> >
> > The first guy says, "I don't know."
> >
> > The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're
> > qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know shit?"

[Phil]

Ok guys here's one to get rid of so call "smart alexs".



Two strangers are sitting in adjacent seats in a plane.
> > One guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will
> > go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow
> > passenger."
> >
> > The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly,
> > takes off his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?"
> >
> > The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know - how about Nuclear Power?"
> >
> > The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty
interesting

> > conversation. But let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow,
> > and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets;
> > the cow, big patties; and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is
> > that?"
> >
> > The first guy says, "I don't know."
> >
> > The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're
> > qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know shit?"

[derrick kuah]

Hi , i have one classic mature one.
There is this bachelor who live alone. everytime ,his girlfriend come looking for him when he is not at home ,nobody to take messages and inform him(no phone).so... one day , while doing his marketing, he come across a Cockatoos in a bird,s shop. This"guy" can talk very well.so the bachelor think its a good ideal to buy him, and train him to take massages when he is not around.so after a while ..ba ..ba ..gf come , its tranfer mess to owner . gf happy and bachelor very happy.
Parrot(Cockatoos)are idiots, They don,t actually understand what they are talking(only inmitate sounds). all the while , he is hang by the window(able to see and hear the world outside). everyday , he could hear the workers talking outside. and its very common to hear the "f"word as greeting,so he think that must be a good greeting.so the next day , when the gf come, he used his "f" word on the gf.the gf got very angry and complained to his bf.so...ba ba ..the bird landed up with bredding(blood) cuts allover his body(from cane marks).and he is also confined in the toilet as punishment.the cockatoos , don,t know why he is punished so he decided to protest by not eating.
after two days , the gf come to the house and used the toilet. after the gf left , the cockatoos started to eat like "siao".why...he is thinking to himself"so big cut,so much blood,cannot die ,why my cuts(small )can die".

[derrick kuah]

Hi , i have one classic mature one.
There is this bachelor who live alone. everytime ,his girlfriend come looking for him when he is not at home ,nobody to take messages and inform him(no phone).so... one day , while doing his marketing, he come across a Cockatoos in a bird,s shop. This"guy" can talk very well.so the bachelor think its a good ideal to buy him, and train him to take massages when he is not around.so after a while ..ba ..ba ..gf come , its tranfer mess to owner . gf happy and bachelor very happy.
Parrot(Cockatoos)are idiots, They don,t actually understand what they are talking(only inmitate sounds). all the while , he is hang by the window(able to see and hear the world outside). everyday , he could hear the workers talking outside. and its very common to hear the "f"word as greeting,so he think that must be a good greeting.so the next day , when the gf come, he used his "f" word on the gf.the gf got very angry and complained to his bf.so...ba ba ..the bird landed up with bredding(blood) cuts allover his body(from cane marks).and he is also confined in the toilet as punishment.the cockatoos , don,t know why he is punished so he decided to protest by not eating.
after two days , the gf come to the house and used the toilet. after the gf left , the cockatoos started to eat like "siao".why...he is thinking to himself"so big cut,so much blood,cannot die ,why my cuts(small )can die".

[Ronnie Lau]

This is a long one...
Way back when we were on much better terms, M visited Lee.
M:Lee, you damn lucky have good people working for you, me only got Kepala Kosong, eh how you select them ah?
Lee:Simple lah , you ask them a simple question and if they gave you a simple answer, you choose them. Let me show you. Goh C.T., who is your father's son?
Goh : Of course me, sir.
Lee: See, simple answer to a simple question.
M: Thanks, better balek and try on Aunt Hwa(ia a man actually...I think??).
M: Aunt Hwa, who is your father's son.
AH suspecting that it must be a trick question : Sir, give me 3 days and I will give you the answer.
M:Alamak! Ini macham bodoh pun ada , OK 3 days I give you.
AH pondered for 2.5days and still did not have any clue.. then he tot to himself, I will ask the most powerful man on earth, he surely knows the answer, so he called Bill Clinton and asked him " Bill who is your father's son ?"
B: It is me , you AHB idiot...
AH: Heh thanks for the answer and also the kind compliments...
AH TO M: Inchik, I got the answer.
M:Who?
AH:It's Bill Clinton !
M:Pooooii!adooi adooi Monyet pun lebih pandai,no no no it's not B.Clinton..
AH: I give up. Who the %$*%$$ is my father's son ?
M: It's Goh C.T....

[Ronnie Lau]

This is a long one...
Way back when we were on much better terms, M visited Lee.
M:Lee, you damn lucky have good people working for you, me only got Kepala Kosong, eh how you select them ah?
Lee:Simple lah , you ask them a simple question and if they gave you a simple answer, you choose them. Let me show you. Goh C.T., who is your father's son?
Goh : Of course me, sir.
Lee: See, simple answer to a simple question.
M: Thanks, better balek and try on Aunt Hwa(ia a man actually...I think??).
M: Aunt Hwa, who is your father's son.
AH suspecting that it must be a trick question : Sir, give me 3 days and I will give you the answer.
M:Alamak! Ini macham bodoh pun ada , OK 3 days I give you.
AH pondered for 2.5days and still did not have any clue.. then he tot to himself, I will ask the most powerful man on earth, he surely knows the answer, so he called Bill Clinton and asked him " Bill who is your father's son ?"
B: It is me , you AHB idiot...
AH: Heh thanks for the answer and also the kind compliments...
AH TO M: Inchik, I got the answer.
M:Who?
AH:It's Bill Clinton !
M:Pooooii!adooi adooi Monyet pun lebih pandai,no no no it's not B.Clinton..
AH: I give up. Who the %$*%$$ is my father's son ?
M: It's Goh C.T....

[ben fox wong]

a doctor & a lawyer went fishing on a boat. the doctor caught a lot of fish while the lawyer caught none. the lawyer decided to switch rods with the doctor. still the doctor caught a lot of fish & the lawyer none. the lawyer then decided to switch bow & stern (front & back) with the doctor. still no fish for the lawyer but plenty for the doctor.

the lawyer got fed up, & asked the doctor if he had any secrets. the doctor replied "simple, you get no fish because every time the fish open their mouths you sue them."

[ben fox wong]

a doctor & a lawyer went fishing on a boat. the doctor caught a lot of fish while the lawyer caught none. the lawyer decided to switch rods with the doctor. still the doctor caught a lot of fish & the lawyer none. the lawyer then decided to switch bow & stern (front & back) with the doctor. still no fish for the lawyer but plenty for the doctor.

the lawyer got fed up, & asked the doctor if he had any secrets. the doctor replied "simple, you get no fish because every time the fish open their mouths you sue them."

[derrick kuah]

Ahmah and Ali went fishing on a rented boat. they go everywhere looking for a good fishing spot.Eventally , they found a good spot which give them alot of fishes.then Ahmah said to Ali.
Ahmah: ah ,Ali mark the spot.
Ali: ok ,will do . marked already.
then , after had enough , we went home in the boat ,then Ahmah asked Ali.
Ahmah:Ali,sure marked the spot.
Ali:sure ,very sure.
then after a long silent. Ali started to ask Ahmah.
Ali: a... Ahmah, what happen if we don,t get the same boat next time?.
he marked his spot on the boat.

[derrick kuah]

Ahmah and Ali went fishing on a rented boat. they go everywhere looking for a good fishing spot.Eventally , they found a good spot which give them alot of fishes.then Ahmah said to Ali.
Ahmah: ah ,Ali mark the spot.
Ali: ok ,will do . marked already.
then , after had enough , we went home in the boat ,then Ahmah asked Ali.
Ahmah:Ali,sure marked the spot.
Ali:sure ,very sure.
then after a long silent. Ali started to ask Ahmah.
Ali: a... Ahmah, what happen if we don,t get the same boat next time?.
he marked his spot on the boat.

[Foo Hong]

[:p] :D [:p] :D [:p]

[Foo Hong]

[:p] :D [:p] :D [:p]

[Foo Hong]

An organisation[whether corporate or public]and its people, is just like a tree full of monyets [:I].

The branches of a tree represent different levels of seniorities in an organistaion [8D]. There are monyets[people] on every branch of the tree[company]:), some on teh higher levels[managers][}:)] and some hanging around the lower nranches[subordinates][:o)]. The senior monyets, which are are the top, look down and see lots of similing faces :). The junior monyets, usually at the lower levels of the tree, look up and see nothing but assholes :(.

After all, humans and apes are similar in some ways! :D

[derrick kuah]

three guys went for a walk in the forest(one white ,one indian and the other chinese).they came to a hugh old tree. and the three guys,stood there thinking to themself. guess what are they thinging?........come back tommorrow.

[derrick kuah]

hi , i m back. why nothings here?.anyway here it goes.first the white man thoughts
:>wah ,look at the tree ,its hugh and must be very very old.first thing when i get back , i must write to the authority to get it persevered+next the indian,
:.> old my god; this must be a very holy place. the tree must has a lot of god and divas living in it. i must build a "shrine" here to make it a place of worship.next the chinese.
:.>oh ...ha ..ha.. ,this must be a gold mine.look at the thick truck, it must has worth a lot. mine ,mine ,how am i going to cut it and make full uses of it.
only a thought...no intentions intended at anyone. thanks and regards Derrick++

[Tan Xiao YI]

wah kaoz laugh till i cant tink of any jokes liao

[Tan Xiao YI]

dunno sd it b here ...
sebas:any tips? i'm going loose in my head. <---ans how ab drinking sera stress protection....
juz a joke dun come smack mi...

[Phil]

Subject: The Green Man


>Good one!



There once was a little green man living in a little green house on the
> >top of a little green hill. One day the little green man wanted to
take a
> >bath so he went and took his little green bottle of shampoo and his
>little
> >green bar of soap and also his little green towel and into his
little
>green
>
> >bathroom he went. As he took off his little green shirt and his
little
> >green pair of shorts, he stepped under his little green tap and
started
> >to bathe.
> >
> >Just then a saleswoman came to the front of the little green man's
house
> >and rang on his little green bell. "Ting Dong". The little green man
> >heard his little green bell and he thought that his pizza had
arrived so
>he
>
> >hastily took his little green towel, wrapped it around his little
green
> >waist and rushed to the door.
> >
> >As he opened his little green door, his little green towel came
undone,
> >and dropped unto his little green doormat, exposing his little
green,
> >uh...never mind. The saleswoman gave a shriek and rushed out of the
> >little green house. In all her haste and all her horror, she ran
across
>the
>
> >street, not seeing a Truck coming at 120mph which struck her,
killing
> >her on the spot.
> >
> > Now the QUESTION is: What is the Moral of the Story?
> >
> > Try harder! Give up? (Scroll Down for the Answer)
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> > ANSWER: DON'T CROSS THE ROAD WHEN THE GREEN MAN IS FLASHING
> >(Another safety message from the traffic police)

[roycheok]

Students at the Harvard University Med School were receiving their
first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They are all gathered
around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

Then the professor started the class by telling them: "In medicine,
it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor:
The first is that it is necessary that you not be disgusted."

The Professor uncovered the sheet, sunk his finger in the ass of
the dead body, withdrew it and sucked it. "Go ahead and do the same
thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated and subsequently taking turns,
sunk their finger in the ass of the dead body and sucked it after
withdrawing it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them
and told them:
"The second important quality is observation. I sunk the
middle finger and sucked the index finger. Pay attention people!!!"

[Samuel Phan]

:D:D:D

[roycheok]

From a marketing professor at Berkeley.
What is marketing?"

1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You approach her and
say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing.

2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see
gorgeous girl.
One of your friends approaches her, points at you
says, "He's fantastic in bed."
That's Advertising.

3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You approach her and get her
telephone number. The next day you call and
say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Telemarketing.

4. You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.You get up and
straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a
drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she
drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way,
I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations

5. You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you
and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition.

[Foo Hong]

:D[eb][eb]

[Ong Ginyew]

LOL!!!!!!:D[:o)]
[pf]

[Phil]

Good shot describes Purr fact ly

[Toh Chen Han]

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.

[Toh Chen Han]

For matured audience:

Why is the hair down there curly?

(answer tommorrow)

So that your eyeballs don't get poked out.

[derrick kuah]

this is a long one .In thailand,a lot of elephant used to work in the logging business but recently the goverment banned logging so many elephants and the trainer(mahout) are without jobs.So most mahout has to bring the elephant into the city ,to make some money.But the earning is not enough to felt the elephant.So one :"smart" mahout thought of a ingenious way of making money.
he bring the elephant to the market place ,and annoced that who ever can make the elephant trumpet will win 1000baht and they need 50 baht to try.all day long ,many ppls try, kicking the elephant,porking it , but they were not successful.Then late in the evening,one young boy come along, he was very short ,just enough to go under the elephant ,s belly.he asked the mahout weather ,he can try. the mahout said sure as long as you has the money. the boy pays the mahout the money , walk toward the proud elephant,look it in the eyes, in a mischievious way. the elephants was wondering what this small fry is trying to do.the boy torch the elephant side then walk under the elephant body(belly)toward the back. the elephant was still wondering what going on.the boy walk to the back ,right before his "private part",catch hold of the ball with both hand and squewed. the elephant trumped loudly rising his trunk out of pain. the boy won the bet of the day.The mahout was very angry cos he lost his day wages to a young little boy.
the next day , mahout think of another new trick. who ever can make the elephant shake his head,win the bet. AS usual many ppls lost. then the same boy come and ask to try again . the mahout refused to allow him to try . But the crowd get angry and forced the mahout to allow the boy.the boy pay his money , walk toward the elephant and look it in the eyes. elephant has very good memory , he remembered the boy very well and he was in fear.and his eyes keep looking at the boy ,trying to sence what he wanted to do this time.The boy lift his hands and show the elephant ,the squeesing action of his hands, the elephants broke into a "cold sweat "and started to shake his head ,like saying no ..no ..please.So the boy won again.

[Ronnie Lau]

How do you get 10 adult gundus to squeeze themselves into a standard size taxi, in 5 seconds ?
Answer : throw a dollar coin inside and announce "finder keeps"...
The cab with the 10 gunduns has reached the destination, how do you get all of them out in 1 second ?
Answer : Just announce : "last one out shall pay"

[Foo Hong]

:D[eb][eb]

[Ronnie Lau]

This one is for those who know how the good old volkswagon was built....

One day a gundu driving a VW saw his neighbour(also a VW lover) looking very sad standing by his stalled VW by the road side. He stopped his car and went to ask what happen.His neighbour proclaimed: "my beloved VW just wouldn't start and when I opened up the bonnet,I realised that this car has no engine"
Mr.Gundu smilingly said :" Hey, today is your lucky day, I will give you an engine because my car has an extra one in the booth"...

[Foo Hong]

Osama bin Laden and one of his followers were riding on a camel when they stopped at a small town. Bin Laden gets off the camel and lifts up its tail and looks at the camel's butt, just then a guy comes over and says, "What are you doing?"

Osama replies, "About 2 miles back I heard someone say, 'Hey, look at the two assholes on that camel.'"

[Ronnie Lau]

An old one ...


Ali, a father of 15, went to a doctor for birth control advice and was given many condoms and told the exact words as follows :
"Everytime, put a new one on your organ just before penetration and you will be ok". 10 months later, number 16 came along and Ali went to confront his doc.
"Did you follow exactly as I told you", asked the doc.
"Of course! every single time! the only slight variation is that since I do not own an organ, I put them on my piano instead...."

[Foo Hong]

Another one from Osama.

What is Osama Bin Laden's favourite coffee?
A = Osama Bin LATTE !!!

[ben fox wong]

What does OSAMA stand for?

O Shit American Missiles Again

[Ong Ginyew]

:D:D[eb]
[eb][pf]

[Phil]

> > 1. In a Beijing hotel lobby:
> >
> > "The lift is being fixed for next day. During that time we regret
that
> > you will be unbearable.
> >
> > 2. In a Shanghai hotel elevator:
> >
> > "Please leave your values at the front desk."
> >
> > 3. In a Hangzhou hotel:
> >
> > "The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the
> > chambermaid."
> >
> > 4. In a Jilin hotel:
> >
> > "You are very invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."
> >
> > 5. In a Wuxi dry cleaner:
> >
> > "Please drop your trousers here for best results."
> >
> > 6. Outside a Tianjin clothing shop:
> >
> > "Order your summer suits quick. Because of big rush we will
execute
> > customers in strict rotation."
> >
> > 7. In a Xian tailor shop:
> >
> > "Ladies may have a fit upstairs."
> >
> > 8. In a Guilin hotel:
> >
> > "Because of impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex
in
> > the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this
purpose."
> >
> > 9. An ad by Kunming dentist:
> >
> > Teeth extracted by the latest methodists."
> >
> > 10. In a Hangzhou zoo:
> >
> > "Please do not feed animals. If you have suitable food give it to
the
> > guard on duty."
> >
> > 11. From a karaoke bar song list in Suzhou:
> >
> > "I'd Like to Teach the Wound to Sing" and "What Kind of Foot Am I"
> >
> > 12. In a Taiyuan bar:
> >
> > "Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts."
> >
> > 13. Hainan airline ticket office:
> >
> > "We take your bags and send them to all directions."
> >
> > 14. In a Huashan temple:
> >
> > "It is forbidden to enter a woman. Even a foreigner dressed as a
man."

[Ong Ginyew]

:DLOL:D[8D]

[Foo Hong]

[:P][eb][:P][eb]

[Foo Hong]

Aussie Mice
===========
Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighbourhood late at
night, trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty glass onto
the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mouse trap, I
lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it
in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to workup an appetite, and then
make off with the cheese."

The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down one after
the other, slams both glasses onto the bar, turns to the first mouse and
replies, "Oh yeah? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take
it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I
can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.

The third mouse chugs the pint of Aussie beer he has in front of him, lets
out a long belch and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this
bullshit. I'm off home to shag the cat."

[Foo Hong]

Hokkien Animals
===============
QUESTION : How do you know frogs are Hokkien?
ANSWER : Because when t's cold, they go "kwah,kwah, kwah" (hokkien for cold)

QUESTION : How do Hokkien prawns laugh? > > >> >
ANSWER : Hae hae hae (hokkien for prawns)

QUESTION : How do Hokkien fish laugh? > > >> >
ANSWER : Hee hee hee (hokkien for fish)

[Foo Hong]

Hoi? how come no one posting jokes?

Ok heres one more for u all.

George Bush and the president of China
======================================
George Bush: "Condoleeza! Nice to see you. What's happening?" Condoleeza Rice: "Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China."
George: "Great. Lay it on me."
Condoleeza: "'Hu' is the new leader of China."
George: "That's what I want to know."
Condoleeza: "That's what I'm telling you."
George: "That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?"
Condoleeza: "Yes."
George: "I mean the fellow's name."
Condoleeza: "Hu."
George: "The guy in China."
Condoleeza: "Hu."
George: "The new leader of China."
Condoleeza: "Hu."
George: "The Chinaman!"
Condoleeza: "Hu is leading China."
George: "Now whaddya' asking me for?"
Condoleeza: "I'm telling you Hu is leading China."
George: "Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?"
Condoleeza: "That's the man's name."
George: "That's whose name?"
Condoleeza: "Yes."
George: "Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?"
Condoleeza: "Yes, sir."
George: "Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East."
Condoleeza: "That's correct."
George: "Then who is in China?"
Condoleeza: "Yes, sir."
George: "Yassir is in China?"

Condoleeza: "No, sir."

George: "Then who is?"

Condoleeza: "Yes, sir."

George: "Yassir?"

Condoleeza: "No, sir."

George: "Look, Condoleeza. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone."
Condoleeza: "Kofi?"
George: "No, thanks."
Condoleeza: "You want Kofi?"
George: "No. I already had a cup of Coffee an hour ago"
Condoleeza: "You don't want Kofi."
George: "No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N."
Condoleeza: "Yes, sir."
George: "Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N."
Condoleeza: "Kofi?"
George: "Milk! Not Coffee! Will you please make the call?"
Condoleeza: "And call who?"
George: "Who is the guy at the U.N?"
Condoleeza: "Hu is the guy in China, not the U.N isnt it?"
George: "Will you stay out of China?!"
Condoleeza: "Yes, sir."
George: "And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N."
Condoleeza: "Kofi."
George: "All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone you bloody idiot, I have no more time to waste on you!"

[Urner Hoo]

:D Ha ha ! u guys are a real funny lot, ya know !!

Thanks for the fun and laughter !! :D:D

[kennho]

Wut American Movies Teaches Us....

*If a woman is running away from someone she will trip and fall.
*When you are chased by a maniacal killer or a monster you can never start your car
*Crazed maniacs have super-human strength.
*Crazy people are always dangerous.
*Good guys always shoot better than bad guys.
*Good guys are always outnumbered.
*Good guys always win and get the girl.
*Ugly people are always bad guys.
*Good guys are always good looking.
*Cars will explode in all accidents, no matter how slight.
*If you jump hundreds of feet into water, it will always be deep enough.
*The head bad guy is always smart. The guys working for him are always stupid.
*Haunted houses are never locked.
*Women will faint at crucial times.
*Good guys will always get shot in the arm or leg.
*All Chinese people know Karate.
*Murders will always be accompanied by sinister music.
*Rich peo ple are either unhappy or private detectives.
*Teenagers are always smarter than their parents.
*There are no ugly women, only ugly men.
*Thunderstorms spontaneously create murders.

[Ong Ginyew]

well......veri true...i agree....lol

[Ronnie Lau]

No offence .... joke only lah......

Overheard this converstation between 2 primary school kids, about their dad's occupation...
Ah Boon : My father is an Electronic Design engineer, he designs
computers and many other elctronic stuffs...
Michael : Wah, so good ah - sure got many free toys...My dad
is a famous politician.
Ah Boon : Oh..honest?
Michael : No lah, the usual kind....

[Foo Hong]

[col] [col] [col]

[Foo Hong]

[col] [col] [col]

[Tan Xiao YI]

[8D]:D[ber]
http://www.madblast.com/funflash/swf/splishsplashbaby.swf

http://www.whoohoo.net/operababy/
try this 2 website...:)

http://www.spi-world.com/spi/gallery/fod/ghost/001/house.gif <-- stare at it for 60sec haha those with heart problem advise is don't go;)[:P][eb]

[kennho]

Joke 1
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

----------------

Joke 2
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."


-----------

[Ong Ginyew]

:Dhahahahaha:D
[gd][pf][pf][gd]

[Toh Chen Han]

Something that came in the mail today:

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is black, France is accusing US of arrogance, and Germany doesn't want to go to war.

[Toh Chen Han]

Something that came in the mail today:

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is black, France is accusing US of arrogance, and Germany doesn't want to go to war.

[Toh Chen Han]

A man has been drinking at a pub all night. The
> bartender finally says that the bar is closing, so
> the man stands up to leave and falls flat on his
> face.
>
> He tries to stand one more time, same result.
>
> He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh
> air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside,
> he stands up and falls flat on his face.
>
> So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home, and
> when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls
> flat on his face.


> He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he
> reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up.
> This time he manages to pull himself upright, but he
> quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as
> soon as his head hits the pillow.
>
> He awakens the next morning to his wife standing
> over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out
> drinking again!!"
>
> "What makes you say that?" he asks, as he puts on an
> innocent look.
>
> "The pub called, you left your wheelchair there
> again."

[Toh Chen Han]

A man has been drinking at a pub all night. The
> bartender finally says that the bar is closing, so
> the man stands up to leave and falls flat on his
> face.
>
> He tries to stand one more time, same result.
>
> He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh
> air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside,
> he stands up and falls flat on his face.
>
> So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home, and
> when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls
> flat on his face.


> He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he
> reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up.
> This time he manages to pull himself upright, but he
> quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as
> soon as his head hits the pillow.
>
> He awakens the next morning to his wife standing
> over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out
> drinking again!!"
>
> "What makes you say that?" he asks, as he puts on an
> innocent look.
>
> "The pub called, you left your wheelchair there
> again."

[derrick kuah]

[ag]Don,t Drive if you want to Drink.
kk [dr]was drinking at the club the whole day and he was about 90% right up to his throat.He thought it was ok to drive home since he stayed only 5 mins drive away.So he drove off from the club to go home
[bh][bt]Right out the clud ,s gate , there was a police stop, he was stopped and asked to do some funny test.[xx(][dr]While he was doing his test,another druken driver[dr] come along and drove his car onto a tree, 30 meters away. All the policeman went to investigate and left our"friend" all alone.[cnf]KK [}:)] got his chance, so he drove off and go right home. When he was in his house ,he told his wife,to say, he was at home ,sleeping the whole day ,just in case the police come after him.
The next morning, the police was at his house asking for him and he was curios. "how come the police know his address?"know what?//// He drove the police car home last night[:I][cnf][:o)][|)][bh][bh]

[derrick kuah]

[ag]Don,t Drive if you want to Drink.
kk [dr]was drinking at the club the whole day and he was about 90% right up to his throat.He thought it was ok to drive home since he stayed only 5 mins drive away.So he drove off from the club to go home
[bh][bt]Right out the clud ,s gate , there was a police stop, he was stopped and asked to do some funny test.[xx(][dr]While he was doing his test,another druken driver[dr] come along and drove his car onto a tree, 30 meters away. All the policeman went to investigate and left our"friend" all alone.[cnf]KK [}:)] got his chance, so he drove off and go right home. When he was in his house ,he told his wife,to say, he was at home ,sleeping the whole day ,just in case the police come after him.
The next morning, the police was at his house asking for him and he was curios. "how come the police know his address?"know what?//// He drove the police car home last night[:I][cnf][:o)][|)][bh][bh]

[Ong Ginyew]

stupid dude[bt][bt]
:DLOL:D

[Ong Ginyew]

stupid dude[bt][bt]
:DLOL:D

[Tan Xiao YI]

LOL !!!! R?||??g ?? F|??r

[Tan Xiao YI]

LOL !!!! R?||??g ?? F|??r

[derrick kuah]

[ag]The problems with passing down orders.

The Colonel's Order[bt][bm]
A COLONEL ISSUED THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIVE TO HIS EXECUTIVE OFFICERS:

"Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halley's Comet will be visible in this area; an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it."

EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER:[cnf]

"By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halley's Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once every 75 years."

COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANT: [dt][dr]

"By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening. The phenomenal Halley's Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in the battalion area, the Colonel will give another order, something which occurs once every 75 years."

LIEUTENANT TO SERGEANT: [dr][B)]:D

"Tomorrow at 2000 hours, the Colonel will appear in the theater with Halley's comet, something which happens every 75 years. If it rains, the Colonel will order the comet into the battalion area."

SERGEANT TO SQUAD: [col][bm][dr][sr]

"When it rains tomorrow at 2000 hours, the phenomenal 75-year-old General Halley, accompanied by the Colonel, will drive his comet through the battalion area theater in fatigues." [ek2][bh][bt][tx]

[derrick kuah]

[ag]The problems with passing down orders.

The Colonel's Order[bt][bm]
A COLONEL ISSUED THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIVE TO HIS EXECUTIVE OFFICERS:

"Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halley's Comet will be visible in this area; an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it."

EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER:[cnf]

"By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halley's Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once every 75 years."

COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANT: [dt][dr]

"By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening. The phenomenal Halley's Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in the battalion area, the Colonel will give another order, something which occurs once every 75 years."

LIEUTENANT TO SERGEANT: [dr][B)]:D

"Tomorrow at 2000 hours, the Colonel will appear in the theater with Halley's comet, something which happens every 75 years. If it rains, the Colonel will order the comet into the battalion area."

SERGEANT TO SQUAD: [col][bm][dr][sr]

"When it rains tomorrow at 2000 hours, the phenomenal 75-year-old General Halley, accompanied by the Colonel, will drive his comet through the battalion area theater in fatigues." [ek2][bh][bt][tx]

[Foo Hong]

BUSH and SADDAM.

wonder why they fight?

BUSH = Beat Up Saddam Hussein

SADDAM = Stop American's Devious Deeds Against Muslims

[Foo Hong]

BUSH and SADDAM.

wonder why they fight?

BUSH = Beat Up Saddam Hussein

SADDAM = Stop American's Devious Deeds Against Muslims

[Foo Hong]

BUSH and SADDAM.

wonder why they fight?

BUSH = Beat Up Saddam Hussein

SADDAM = Stop American's Devious Deeds Against Muslims

[Foo Hong]

BUSH and SADDAM.

wonder why they fight?

BUSH = Beat Up Saddam Hussein

SADDAM = Stop American's Devious Deeds Against Muslims

[kennho]

A sales Rep, an Admin clerk and their manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie
says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of
you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the Administration clerk. "I want to
be in the Bahamas, driving a speed boat, without a care in the
world."

Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales Rep. "I want
to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse,
an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life,"

Poof! He's gone.

"You're next," the Genie says to the Manager. The Manager says,
"I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of story: Always let your Boss have the first say.

[Toh Chen Han]

William Shakespeare dies and goes to heaven. There he meets St. Peter, who asks him "what is your name and what were you in the past life?" Shakespeare says, "I'm William Shakespeare and I was a poet."

At the same time, a scottish poet, Robbie Burns dies, and he goes to heaven. St. Peter asks him, "what is your name and what were you in your past life?" Burns says, "I'm Robbie Burns and I was a poet."

St. Peter then says "well, we only have room for one poet in heaven, so we will have a contest! Whoever can write a better poem, gets in! The topic will be Timbuctoo, and you will both have one hour to complete the poems."

So after one hour, they come back, and Shakespeare goes first,

"As I walk across the golden sands,
as I walk across the golden land,
a great big ship comes in to view,
It's destination, Timbuctoo."

St. Peter says, "Okay, now we will hear Burns' poem"

Burns says,

"As Tim and I a walking went,
we saw three damsels by a tent,
as they were three and we were two,
I bucked one and Tim bucked two!"

[ernest seow]

Question: If I hold a ball in each hand and I jump up, how many balls are in the air???

Any answers? heheh[eb][}:)]

[Toh Chen Han]

Depends which kinda balls u have in your hand.

[kennho]

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town. "What a peaceful & loving couple". A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once.'

"We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said,'That's twice.'

"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

"I started an angry protest over her treatment of the horse, when she looked at me, and quietly said, 'That's once'.

"And we lived happily ever after".

[ernest seow]

It does not matter,,,ping pong, tennis, snooker, any balls

[Ronnie Lau]

quote:Originally posted by ernest seow

It does not matter,,,ping pong, tennis, snooker, any balls


zero because they are in your hands not in the air. tio boh ???

[ernest seow]

Of course they are in the air as my hands and body moves up with me. So how many balls you think are in the air with me??

[Tan Xiao YI]

none...its in your hand not in the air [^]!!tio boh ??:D
quote:Originally posted by ernest seow

Of course they are in the air as my hands and body moves up with me. So how many balls you think are in the air with me??

[ernest seow]

Hey hey....we are getting too technical here [bt]:D. I jumped and the balls and the rest of my body is in the air..sooooo....how many balls are in the air??

[Foo Hong]

I think one would be in serious trouble if balls are in the air the moment he jumps!

quote:Originally posted by ernest seow

Hey hey....we are getting too technical here [bt]:D. I jumped and the balls and the rest of my body is in the air..sooooo....how many balls are in the air??

[Toh Chen Han]

My answer ... 4. If correct u can ask my for my reason =)

[Ronnie Lau]

my answer is two. Tio boh ?

[ernest seow]

Hehehe...:D. Answer is 6 balls. 2 in each hand, two where they have been since you were born and 2 of your eyeballs[bt][bt][bt]

[Toh Chen Han]

alamak....i only counted 2 in hand and 2 eyeballs. the last two proper name is not 'balls' lah hahha. kena con

[Tan Xiao YI]

._." -_-" super lame...

[Ong Ginyew]

LOL!!!! hahaha...like tat where got lame.....

[ernest seow]

Hahahaha:D....you will be lame if there are 5 balls and you have both your eyes in your head.[bt]

[ben fox wong]

Missing Wife

A man lost his wife in a huge shopping mall. when he sees a beautiful lady, he approaches.

Man: Lady, can i talk to you for a while, because my wife is missing.

Beautiful lady: What has that got to do with me?

Man: Because every time i talk to a beautiful lady, she appears out of no where.

[Tan Xiao YI]

HAHA LOL~
R?||??g ?? F|??r

[ernest seow]

There is a grain of truth in that joke [^]

[ben fox wong]

A beautiful blond was walking down the street, with one breast hanging out & exposed. As the people stared, an old lady went up to tell her politely.

Old lady: my dear, i'm afraid your breast is showing.

Beautiful Blond: O my God! i left the baby on the bus again!

[ben fox wong]

A beautiful blond was walking down the street, with one breast hanging out & exposed. As the people stared, an old lady went up to tell her politely.

Old lady: my dear, i'm afraid your breast is showing.

Beautiful Blond: O my God! i left the baby on the bus again!

[Tan Xiao YI]

"chicks" : Mr wanna XXX ??
"customer" : okay.but can you do same as my wife ?
"chicks" : ai yo ! that would be easy, i can even do better then her.
"customer" : she XXX with me nv ask for $$ can you ?![bt]

[Tan Xiao YI]

"chicks" : Mr wanna XXX ??
"customer" : okay.but can you do same as my wife ?
"chicks" : ai yo ! that would be easy, i can even do better then her.
"customer" : she XXX with me nv ask for $$ can you ?![bt]

[Foo Hong]

oppps...u guys are terrible....we ve got lady readers on this forum too!

The jokes are getting more and more R(A) [bt]

[Foo Hong]

oppps...u guys are terrible....we ve got lady readers on this forum too!

The jokes are getting more and more R(A) [bt]

[Toh Chen Han]

Hahahha.....Ben...yours is damn good hahha. :D FH...time to split the joke forum into age categories hehe...just kidding.

[Toh Chen Han]

Hahahha.....Ben...yours is damn good hahha. :D FH...time to split the joke forum into age categories hehe...just kidding.

[Tan Xiao YI]

hmmm [cr]+no detail oso count ? =XX
quote:Originally posted by Foo Hong

oppps...u guys are terrible....we ve got lady readers on this forum too!

The jokes are getting more and more R(A) [bt]

[Tan Xiao YI]

hmmm [cr]+no detail oso count ? =XX
quote:Originally posted by Foo Hong

oppps...u guys are terrible....we ve got lady readers on this forum too!

The jokes are getting more and more R(A) [bt]

[Toh Chen Han]

PG:

A letter from an Italian tourist to the Director of the London YMCA Hotel:


===============================

10/26/99

D I R E T T O R E . . .

The Manager
Y.M.C.A. -hotel
LONDON Roma 28 Sept.1998

Dear Signore Direttore,

Noew I am tella you story wot I was a-treated at jour hotella.

I am a-comma from Roma as tourist to London and stay as a-younga
christian man at your hotella.

When I comma in my room I see there is no shit in my bed - how can
I sleep with no shit in my bed? So I calla down to receptione an
tella:
"I wanta shit". They tella me:"Go to toilet". I say: "No, no I wanta
shit in my bed". They say:"You better not shit in your bed, you
sonna-wa-bitch".

What is sonna-wa-bitch?

I go down for breakfast into restorante. I order bacon and egga
and two pissis of toast. I getta only one piss of toast. I tella
waitress, and point at toast:
"I wanta piss on my plate".

She then say to me: "You'd bloody wella not piss on the plate, you sonna-wa-bitch".

That is second person who do not even know me calla me "sonna-wa-
bitch", and why is your staff replying "Go to toilet", is that a
modern tella? I do not understand, please tella me.

Later I go for dinner in your restorante. Spoon and knife is laid
out, but no fock. I tella waitress:"I wanta fock". And she tell me:
"Sure, everyone wanta fock". I tella her: "No, no you don't understand
me, I wanta fock on the table". She tella me: "So you wanta fock on
the table? Get your ass out of here".

How comma this christian hotell tella the guest in such bed manner?
So I go to receptione and ask for bill. I no wanta stay in this
hotella no more. When I have paid the a-billa the portier say to me:
"Thank you, and piss on You". I say: "Piss on you too, you sonna-wa-
bitch, I now go back to Italy".

Direttore, I never gonna stay in your hotella no more, you sonna-wa-
bitch.

Sincerely Dicci Elgre`

[Toh Chen Han]

PG:

A letter from an Italian tourist to the Director of the London YMCA Hotel:


===============================

10/26/99

D I R E T T O R E . . .

The Manager
Y.M.C.A. -hotel
LONDON Roma 28 Sept.1998

Dear Signore Direttore,

Noew I am tella you story wot I was a-treated at jour hotella.

I am a-comma from Roma as tourist to London and stay as a-younga
christian man at your hotella.

When I comma in my room I see there is no shit in my bed - how can
I sleep with no shit in my bed? So I calla down to receptione an
tella:
"I wanta shit". They tella me:"Go to toilet". I say: "No, no I wanta
shit in my bed". They say:"You better not shit in your bed, you
sonna-wa-bitch".

What is sonna-wa-bitch?

I go down for breakfast into restorante. I order bacon and egga
and two pissis of toast. I getta only one piss of toast. I tella
waitress, and point at toast:
"I wanta piss on my plate".

She then say to me: "You'd bloody wella not piss on the plate, you sonna-wa-bitch".

That is second person who do not even know me calla me "sonna-wa-
bitch", and why is your staff replying "Go to toilet", is that a
modern tella? I do not understand, please tella me.

Later I go for dinner in your restorante. Spoon and knife is laid
out, but no fock. I tella waitress:"I wanta fock". And she tell me:
"Sure, everyone wanta fock". I tella her: "No, no you don't understand
me, I wanta fock on the table". She tella me: "So you wanta fock on
the table? Get your ass out of here".

How comma this christian hotell tella the guest in such bed manner?
So I go to receptione and ask for bill. I no wanta stay in this
hotella no more. When I have paid the a-billa the portier say to me:
"Thank you, and piss on You". I say: "Piss on you too, you sonna-wa-
bitch, I now go back to Italy".

Direttore, I never gonna stay in your hotella no more, you sonna-wa-
bitch.

Sincerely Dicci Elgre`

[ben fox wong]

- Sons.... :>

Four guys are telling stories in a bar.
One guy leaves for a bathroom break. Three guys are left.
The first guy says, "I was worried that my son was gonna be a
loser because he started out washing cars for a local dealership.
Turns out that he got a break, they made him a salesman,
and he sold so many cars that he bought the dealership.
In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his best friend
a new Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy says, "I was worried about my son too because
he started out raking leaves for a Realtor.
Turns out HE got a break, they made him a commissioned salesman,
and he eventually bought the real estate firm.
In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his best friend
a new house for his birthday."
The third guy says, "Yeah, I hear you. My son started out
sweeping floors in a brokerage firm.
Now, he's so rich that he just gave HIS best friend a million
in stock for his birthday."
The fourth guy comes back from the can.
The first 3 explain that they are telling stories about their kids,
so he says, "Well, I'm embarrassed to admit that my son hasn't
done much career-wise. He started out as a hairdresser
and is STILL a hairdresser after 15 years.
But I guess his personal life is going OK.
He's gay and has SEVERAL boyfriends.
And to give you an idea just how much his boyfriends like him,
check this out: three of his boyfriends just gave him
a new Mercedes, a new house, and a million in stock for his birthday!"

[ben fox wong]

- Sons.... :>

Four guys are telling stories in a bar.
One guy leaves for a bathroom break. Three guys are left.
The first guy says, "I was worried that my son was gonna be a
loser because he started out washing cars for a local dealership.
Turns out that he got a break, they made him a salesman,
and he sold so many cars that he bought the dealership.
In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his best friend
a new Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy says, "I was worried about my son too because
he started out raking leaves for a Realtor.
Turns out HE got a break, they made him a commissioned salesman,
and he eventually bought the real estate firm.
In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his best friend
a new house for his birthday."
The third guy says, "Yeah, I hear you. My son started out
sweeping floors in a brokerage firm.
Now, he's so rich that he just gave HIS best friend a million
in stock for his birthday."
The fourth guy comes back from the can.
The first 3 explain that they are telling stories about their kids,
so he says, "Well, I'm embarrassed to admit that my son hasn't
done much career-wise. He started out as a hairdresser
and is STILL a hairdresser after 15 years.
But I guess his personal life is going OK.
He's gay and has SEVERAL boyfriends.
And to give you an idea just how much his boyfriends like him,
check this out: three of his boyfriends just gave him
a new Mercedes, a new house, and a million in stock for his birthday!"

[ernest seow]

Right on hehehe..that was a good one:D[ber]

[ernest seow]

Right on hehehe..that was a good one:D[ber]

[ben fox wong]

Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road,
when they hit a pig, killing it instantly.
Bill told his driver to go to the farm house and
explain to the owners what had happened.
About an hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the car
with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other
and his clothes all ripped and torn.
"What happened to you?," asked Bill.
"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine,
his wife gave me the cigar and his 19 year old daughter
made mad passionate love to me," said the driver.
"My God, what did you tell them?", asks Clinton. The driver replies,
"I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I just killed the pig."

[ben fox wong]

Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road,
when they hit a pig, killing it instantly.
Bill told his driver to go to the farm house and
explain to the owners what had happened.
About an hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the car
with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other
and his clothes all ripped and torn.
"What happened to you?," asked Bill.
"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine,
his wife gave me the cigar and his 19 year old daughter
made mad passionate love to me," said the driver.
"My God, what did you tell them?", asks Clinton. The driver replies,
"I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I just killed the pig."

[Lim Aik Seng]

wah nice topic
will start to post here

[Lim Aik Seng]

wah nice topic
will start to post here

[ernest seow]

Jokes are getting better n better. Keep it up you guys.[col]

[ernest seow]

Jokes are getting better n better. Keep it up you guys.[col]

[ben fox wong]

CONDOMS

A man walk into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, " What are these, Dad ? " To which the man matter-of-factly replies, " Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex." " Oh I see. " replied the boy pensively. " Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and points to a 3-pack. The dad replies, " Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday. " " Cool! " says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks "Then who are these for? " " Those are for college men. " the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday. " " Wow! " exclaimed the boy; " Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, " Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for....."

[ben fox wong]

CONDOMS

A man walk into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, " What are these, Dad ? " To which the man matter-of-factly replies, " Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex." " Oh I see. " replied the boy pensively. " Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and points to a 3-pack. The dad replies, " Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday. " " Cool! " says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks "Then who are these for? " " Those are for college men. " the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday. " " Wow! " exclaimed the boy; " Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, " Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for....."

[ben fox wong]

OUT OF WORK

Durex sales executive tells Whisper sales executive.
"When you work, i lose 4 days of business"

Whisper sales executive replies.
"When you DONT work, i lose 9 months of business!"

[ben fox wong]

OUT OF WORK

Durex sales executive tells Whisper sales executive.
"When you work, i lose 4 days of business"

Whisper sales executive replies.
"When you DONT work, i lose 9 months of business!"

[ben fox wong]

An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her Husband's sex drive. 'What about trying Viagra?' asks the doctor. 'Not a chance' says Mrs. Murphy he won't even take an aspirin for a headache.'No problem,' replies the doctor. 'Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it.' 'Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on.' A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went. 'Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor'. 'What happened?' asks the doctor. 'Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee.' 'The effect was immediate.' 'He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop.' 'It was terrible.' 'What was terrible?' said the doctor, 'was the sex not good?' "Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again.

[ben fox wong]

An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her Husband's sex drive. 'What about trying Viagra?' asks the doctor. 'Not a chance' says Mrs. Murphy he won't even take an aspirin for a headache.'No problem,' replies the doctor. 'Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it.' 'Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on.' A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went. 'Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor'. 'What happened?' asks the doctor. 'Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee.' 'The effect was immediate.' 'He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop.' 'It was terrible.' 'What was terrible?' said the doctor, 'was the sex not good?' "Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again.

[Tan Xiao YI]

wah fierce ![ber]
eh ah ben ah~
people tell me have gal in forum so...u know ah...hahaah:D

[Tan Xiao YI]

wah fierce ![ber]
eh ah ben ah~
people tell me have gal in forum so...u know ah...hahaah:D

[ben fox wong]

then i know what to do. i'll post more. here is one specially for the female bettas.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Adam was walking around the Garden Of Eden feeling
very lonely, so God asked him, "What's wrong with
you?". Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
So God said He would give him a companion and it
would be a woman. He said, "This person will cook
for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree
with every decision you make. She will bear your
children and never ask you in the middle of the night
to get up and take care of them. She will not nag
you and will always be the first to admit she was
wrong whenever you have a disagreement. She will
never have a headache, and will freely give you
love and compassion whenever needed."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

.....The rest is history...........

[ben fox wong]

then i know what to do. i'll post more. here is one specially for the female bettas.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Adam was walking around the Garden Of Eden feeling
very lonely, so God asked him, "What's wrong with
you?". Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
So God said He would give him a companion and it
would be a woman. He said, "This person will cook
for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree
with every decision you make. She will bear your
children and never ask you in the middle of the night
to get up and take care of them. She will not nag
you and will always be the first to admit she was
wrong whenever you have a disagreement. She will
never have a headache, and will freely give you
love and compassion whenever needed."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

.....The rest is history...........

[Toh Chen Han]

Hahahha.....super.

[Toh Chen Han]

Hahahha.....super.

[wanshi]

Hi hi.. hope u ppl dun mind me attaching the picture.. Juz thought it was quite funny.. heh heh..

http://www.bettaclub.org.sg/forum/uploaded/wanshi/20034251126_sports.jpg

[wanshi]

Hi hi.. hope u ppl dun mind me attaching the picture.. Juz thought it was quite funny.. heh heh..

http://www.bettaclub.org.sg/forum/uploaded/wanshi/20034251126_sports.jpg

[Eric Yeo]

Chinese Detective


Chinese detective....
A man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he
hired the famous Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and
report any activities while he was gone. A few days later, he
received this report:

MOST HONORABLE SIR: YOU LEAVE HOUSE. I WATCH HOUSE.
HE COME TO HOUSE. ????I WATCH. ??HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE,
I FOLLOW. ????HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL. I CLIMB TREE. I LOOK
IN WINDOW. ????HE KISS SHE. ????SHE KISS HE. ????HE STRIP SHE.
SHE STRIP HE. ????HE PLAY WITH SHE. ????SHE PLAY WITH HE. ????
I PLAY WITH ME. ??I FALL OFF TREE. ??I NOT SEE.

NO FEE, CHEN Lee

[Eric Yeo]

Chinese Detective


Chinese detective....
A man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he
hired the famous Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and
report any activities while he was gone. A few days later, he
received this report:

MOST HONORABLE SIR: YOU LEAVE HOUSE. I WATCH HOUSE.
HE COME TO HOUSE. ????I WATCH. ??HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE,
I FOLLOW. ????HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL. I CLIMB TREE. I LOOK
IN WINDOW. ????HE KISS SHE. ????SHE KISS HE. ????HE STRIP SHE.
SHE STRIP HE. ????HE PLAY WITH SHE. ????SHE PLAY WITH HE. ????
I PLAY WITH ME. ??I FALL OFF TREE. ??I NOT SEE.

NO FEE, CHEN Lee

[Phil]

Not mine but a friend: Edwin

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

The teacher had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

The teacher agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9"

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36"


And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade." The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree.


Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have
only two of?

Harry: "Legs"


Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
(The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)

Harry: "Pockets"


Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants"


Teacher: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" (The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...)

Harry: "Coconut"


Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

Harry: "Bubblegum"


Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?" (The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...)

Harry: "Shake hands"


Teacher: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' sort of questions, okay?"

Harry: "Yup"


Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do."

Harry: "Tent"


Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first." (Principal was looking restless and bit tense)

Harry: "Wedding Ring"


Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me,you feel good."

Harry: "Nose"


Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver."

Harry: "Arrow"


Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?"

Harry: "Fire truck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put him in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."

[Phil]

Not mine but a friend: Edwin

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

The teacher had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

The teacher agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9"

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36"


And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade." The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree.


Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have
only two of?

Harry: "Legs"


Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
(The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)

Harry: "Pockets"


Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants"


Teacher: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" (The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...)

Harry: "Coconut"


Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

Harry: "Bubblegum"


Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?" (The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...)

Harry: "Shake hands"


Teacher: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' sort of questions, okay?"

Harry: "Yup"


Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do."

Harry: "Tent"


Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first." (Principal was looking restless and bit tense)

Harry: "Wedding Ring"


Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me,you feel good."

Harry: "Nose"


Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver."

Harry: "Arrow"


Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?"

Harry: "Fire truck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put him in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."

[Moses Wong]

I got a joke.

Title Holy Water
One day three people wanted to become different.So they went to the temple.When they got there,they told one man that they wanted to be different.So the man said do something bad in one week and you will become different when I let you drink the holy water.

After one week, they came back and the first man said I killed my friends cat.The second man said I killed my friends dog.By then both men drank the water.The last man said I urined in the holy water.

[Moses Wong]

I got a joke.

Title Holy Water
One day three people wanted to become different.So they went to the temple.When they got there,they told one man that they wanted to be different.So the man said do something bad in one week and you will become different when I let you drink the holy water.

After one week, they came back and the first man said I killed my friends cat.The second man said I killed my friends dog.By then both men drank the water.The last man said I urined in the holy water.

[ernest seow]

:D Ahh...Holy Water. Reminds me of this one.

When a convent was burnt to the ground, all the nuns died. All went up the spiral ataircase to the pearly gates where they were met by St. Peter. He was holding a big bowl of water in front of him and told all of them in the queue waiting to go to heaven, "Before entering you must tell me if you have ever touch a man's private part before. If you have must you must put your hand in the holy water to cleanse it, then you may enter heaven."

One by one they went to St. Peter and whispered in his ear. Then they went into the gates. A few put their hand in and went into the gate too. Suddenly Sister Mary started pushing those in front of her to get to the front. St.Peter was surprised and asked her to wait for her turn. She blurted "St. Peter, I need to gargle my mouth with the water before Sister Mabel put her *rse into the bowl."[ag][ag][ag]

[ernest seow]

:D Ahh...Holy Water. Reminds me of this one.

When a convent was burnt to the ground, all the nuns died. All went up the spiral ataircase to the pearly gates where they were met by St. Peter. He was holding a big bowl of water in front of him and told all of them in the queue waiting to go to heaven, "Before entering you must tell me if you have ever touch a man's private part before. If you have must you must put your hand in the holy water to cleanse it, then you may enter heaven."

One by one they went to St. Peter and whispered in his ear. Then they went into the gates. A few put their hand in and went into the gate too. Suddenly Sister Mary started pushing those in front of her to get to the front. St.Peter was surprised and asked her to wait for her turn. She blurted "St. Peter, I need to gargle my mouth with the water before Sister Mabel put her *rse into the bowl."[ag][ag][ag]

[ernest seow]

If that is too raunchy:D then how about this one...

A saleman named Mark was on his way home from work stopped at a local bar for a drink. As usual he drank too much and left when the bar closes. As he was walking home, he became aware that something was following him, but everytime he turned around he could not see it. Walking away faster as he became quite nervous, he heard his name being called out. "Mark! Mark!" He quickly turned to see who was calling him but no one was in sight. Becoming quite afraid he began to move faster and yet the footsteps was still following him calling "Mark! Mark!"

Almost half running and stumbling in his haste, he was shaking all over until he reached the door of his house. Fumbling for the keys and finally opening his door, he confronted his tormenter. In the dim light of his porch he saw a large dog with a cleft palate barking at him "Mark! Mark!":D

[ernest seow]

If that is too raunchy:D then how about this one...

A saleman named Mark was on his way home from work stopped at a local bar for a drink. As usual he drank too much and left when the bar closes. As he was walking home, he became aware that something was following him, but everytime he turned around he could not see it. Walking away faster as he became quite nervous, he heard his name being called out. "Mark! Mark!" He quickly turned to see who was calling him but no one was in sight. Becoming quite afraid he began to move faster and yet the footsteps was still following him calling "Mark! Mark!"

Almost half running and stumbling in his haste, he was shaking all over until he reached the door of his house. Fumbling for the keys and finally opening his door, he confronted his tormenter. In the dim light of his porch he saw a large dog with a cleft palate barking at him "Mark! Mark!":D

[Ronnie Lau]

Another one on dear old Bill...

One day, Bill clinton went cycling, fell into the drain and was about to drown when 3 boys pulled him up to safety. He promised each a gift as reward. Tom wanted top grades for all his exams without having to take them at all, Bill agreed saying "good boy! following my footsteps to the dot..." Dick asked for the rights to re-define words, regardless of how common or unambiguous they maybe, to suit his own purposes. Bill said "huh ?? don't understand but ok anyway..."
Harry asked for 3 wheelchair for 3 cripples. Bill asked who were they for and Harry replied that they were for the 3 of them. But you are not cripples, said Bill. "Oh we will be when the townfolks heard what we just did..."exclaimed Harry.

[Ronnie Lau]

Another one on dear old Bill...

One day, Bill clinton went cycling, fell into the drain and was about to drown when 3 boys pulled him up to safety. He promised each a gift as reward. Tom wanted top grades for all his exams without having to take them at all, Bill agreed saying "good boy! following my footsteps to the dot..." Dick asked for the rights to re-define words, regardless of how common or unambiguous they maybe, to suit his own purposes. Bill said "huh ?? don't understand but ok anyway..."
Harry asked for 3 wheelchair for 3 cripples. Bill asked who were they for and Harry replied that they were for the 3 of them. But you are not cripples, said Bill. "Oh we will be when the townfolks heard what we just did..."exclaimed Harry.

[Toh Chen Han]

ernest....sorry man...i read and read ur last joke many times and can't figger it out lah. brain defective. =(

[Toh Chen Han]

ernest....sorry man...i read and read ur last joke many times and can't figger it out lah. brain defective. =(

[ernest seow]

quote:Originally posted by tohchenhan

ernest....sorry man...i read and read ur last joke many times and can't figger it out lah. brain defective. =(


Hahaha....Chen Han, have you ever heard a person who has a cleft palate talking?? No offence to anyone, but when you are born with this defect you cannot speak as a normal person because your palate is split and most of the time even split your upper gum and upper lip. Long time ago most sufferers have no recourse to do a surgery due to the cost or ignorance. Nowadays surgery is common and you can see only a faded thin line(scar) on the upper lip.

Sorry if anyone gets offended,,,just joking.

[ernest seow]

quote:Originally posted by tohchenhan

ernest....sorry man...i read and read ur last joke many times and can't figger it out lah. brain defective. =(


Hahaha....Chen Han, have you ever heard a person who has a cleft palate talking?? No offence to anyone, but when you are born with this defect you cannot speak as a normal person because your palate is split and most of the time even split your upper gum and upper lip. Long time ago most sufferers have no recourse to do a surgery due to the cost or ignorance. Nowadays surgery is common and you can see only a faded thin line(scar) on the upper lip.

Sorry if anyone gets offended,,,just joking.

[Toh Chen Han]

So mean lah u making fun of unfortunate ppl like that! =P Actually I've never seen/heard such poor souls

[Toh Chen Han]

So mean lah u making fun of unfortunate ppl like that! =P Actually I've never seen/heard such poor souls

[Foo Hong]

Oh good. since I started this joke thread the response has been ever hot. now I dont have to post but I read yr jokes. mmmm....some r really cool!!!!!

[Foo Hong]

Oh good. since I started this joke thread the response has been ever hot. now I dont have to post but I read yr jokes. mmmm....some r really cool!!!!!

[ben fox wong]

yeah, seems like it has the highest readership than other threads :D

[Tan Xiao YI]

[ber]lets post more fun jokes ![ber]
will this thread be full ??like the halfmoon thread ?

[ernest seow]

Ok.Ok. Here is another.

A young officer in the French Foreign Legion had just been posted to command a small post somewhere in the Sahara Desert. On his first day at his job he asked his Company Sargeant. "Sargeant! It seems there is no place here for entertainment and no women. The men here must be half-crazy, so what do they do when they want a woman?"

The Sargeant replied. "Sir, there is a camel jst behind the office which the men used."

The Officer thought to himself, "these people must be nuts if they want to make it with a camel."

Months passed, and every once in a while the Officer saw his men going to the back of the office. He was feeling very frustrated himself and tried very hard to control his urges. Finally after a few weeks he started to think it is ok even if it was only a camel. So when he thought everyone is busy or either sleeping, he crept to the back of the office.

He was having a great time with the camel when suddenly around the corner the Sargeant came by. "Sacre Blue!" exclaimed the Sargeant. "What do you think you are doing, Sir?"

The Officer replied. "Hell, Sargeant, I am doing what you said the men do, when they want a woman."

The Sargeant said. "But Sir, when that happens they use the camel to bring them to the nearest town a miles away."[bt][bt][bt]

[Toh Chen Han]

hahhah.....eww sick.

[Toh Chen Han]

During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities. The Pope declined. 2 weeks later the man approached the Pope again. This time with a 50 million dollar offer. Again the Pope delcined. A month later the man offers 100 million, this time the Pope accepts. At a meeting of the Cardinals, The Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news format. The good news is... that we have 100 million dollars for charities. The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account!

[ernest seow]

First of all....my apologies to Bai Singhs.

Mr. Singh, a newcomer to England, decided to take a walk on a Sunday morning along the English countryside where he was staying for the weekend. Passing by a small Parish church, he saw a number of people walking in and decided to enter as he was a curious person. Seeing everyone seated in the pews, he sat amongst them looking around. Whatever he saw the parishoners doing he will copy. If they stand he will stand also and if they kneel to pray he will likewise do so. As usual the parish priest gave his sermon and he sat and listened. As always a collection bag was handed from row to row. Mr. Singh observed people taking out cash and putting in the bag when the bag was handed to each person. Not to be out done he also took out his wallet and put in a note.

Not knowing the difference between a pound note and a fifty pound note he was unaware of what he had done. Not so the Parish Priest who was observing this bearded stranger. When the day's collection came back to him, the Priest asked all to pray to God and thank HIM for the cash donated. After the prayers, the priest told his congregation. "Brothers and Sisters, we have amongst us a kind stranger who is not known to us. He is a very generous gentleman and I would like to tell you that he did not donate one pound, two or even ten pounds!! He has donated to this church fifty pounds!! As a token of his generousity, I will like to give him 3 hymns."

Upon hearing that, Mr. Singh quickly dtood up. "Thank you, thank you Sir. I will give 100 pounds if I had known you will give me 3 hymns!! Since you have said so, I will like to have Him, him and him!!" excitedly pointing his fingers at the young and handsome boys he had been eying at for some time.[bt][bt][bt]:D:D

[Lim Aik Seng]

where u all gt this jokes ??????

[ernest seow]

quote:Originally posted by Lim Aik Seng

where u all gt this jokes ??????


Aik Seng, I hope you enjoyed them:D Some I came across sharing amongst friends and acqaintances and some from articles I read. Most are not current ones so you may not have heard it. A few I have changed a little for local consumption hehe. If you want another one say so and I will post it. Good ones I keep in my head and the rest discarded or forgotten.

[ernest seow]

The Smelly ***** Cat

An old lady with no husband or children, lives in the city. All she has was a very old ***** cat as a companion which she kept since he was a kitten. She had lived in the city ever since and has never seen her country. One day decided to take a tour of the country using the Greyhound Bus which will take about a month to travel from city to city. SO off she went bringing her beloved cat with her.

Unfortunately, a week later, the old cat passed away. She did not want her cat to be buried in a strange place so she still had the cat in her lap. The driver of the bus passed by and noticed that the cat was dead. He told the lady so and she said tearfully, "Yes I know. Please let me keep him until we reach home." to which the driver said with pity, "Ok lady, but if he starts to smell, I have no choice but to ask you to take it out and bury it." The lady agreed.

After a few days, the cat was beginning to smell and the bus driver had no choice but to stop the bus at the side of the road. He said in a very loud voice from where he was sitting, "Will the lady with the smelly ***** please get off the bus!" Upon hearing him, the old lady with the cat and five other women stood up and got down from the bus.:D:D:D

[ben fox wong]

| Question: My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last

| 1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesday's, I go Friday's.

| 2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in B.C.
| |
| 3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. |
| |
| 4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

| 5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. |
| |
| 6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place
| to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair. |
| |
| 7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake."
| |
| 8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
| |
| 9. She ran after the garbage truck yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!" |
| |
| 10. Remember....Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
| |
| 11. Statistically, 100% of all divorce start with marriage. |
| |
| 12. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. |
| |
| 13. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. |
| |
| 14. The last fight was my fault. My wife |
| asked, "What's on the TV?"...I said, 'Dust!" |
| |
| 15. In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman............ Since then, neither God nor man had rested.
| |
| 16. Why do men die before their wives?...............Because they want to rest in peace.

[ernest seow]

Two Italian men were sitting closely together in a train talking. An elderly lady was sitting just behind. She could not help but overhearing one of them saying to the other,

"Emma came first a before I come and den two Asses come togedder. Then a, I come again a ,and then two Asses come again togedder and then I come again a. Then the two Pee togedder and then I come last a."

The old lady was horrified and she tap him on the shoulder and said, "Sir, I am sorry, but you should not say such things in public." To which the man said,

"Lady, I yam just a telling my frenda here, Paulo, howa to spell a Mississippi!"[bt][bt][bt]

[ernest seow]

Dr.M always takes long walks around Petronas Tower in the early evening for exercise and also to admire his creation. Oftentimes he noticed his Assistant, Abdullah working late in the evening. He thought to himself that Abdullah must be over-stressing himself and decided to take him to task. So one day he went to Abdullah's office and walked in.

"Hey, Abdullah, why you working so late man, every night I see you doing this. You need to exercise and keep fit or have some entertainment. Otherwise you will go to your grave before your time," said Dr.M.

"Bapa." said Abdullah, "There is so much work to do and since you will be retiring soon, I have a lot of catching up to do. You have so high standards and you know, a very hard act to follow. If I slacken, Alamak! Soon I will be replaced."

"Come, come." said the good Dr., "You are taking this too serious man. Reeelaaax man. Come, let me show you how I relax. After such good relaxation, you will be as energetic as I am at my age." So he let Abdullah upstairs to his office,

"See here," he said. He opened a large cupboard in his office with a key and out came an Orang Utan who scampered about and then went straight to Dr.M who knocked the Orang Utan's head 3 times with his walking stick. Upon which the monkey opened the zipper of Dr.'s pants and started to s**k him. Dr.M said, "see, this is how you should relax man," sheer pleasure showing in his face. After that was done, Dr.M said,

"Now is your turn." Abdullah was horrified. "No, I can't Bapa, I can't." Dr.M was geting angry. "Abdullah come here and do it!" Abdullah again refused. This time Dr.M repeated again and we all know when Dr.M is really angry no one dare to challenge him. So Abdullah slowly approached him.

"Ok, ok Bapa." But please do not knocked my head so hard ok?"[bt][bt][bt] [bt][bt][bt]

[derrick kuah]

this is an old village jokes from thailand.
there is a small town in chonburi thailand(populastion about 2000 thousands) . most are illitrate, so can,t read very well(he he , like most of us , when goes to thailand)So when they go to public toilet, will only look,for long long word (for men) ,and short ,short word(for women). BUt signs come in different form for sex(men and women). its alway a mess in public toilet(men using female and vi -visal)
tjhis caused the twon mayor ,[bh]lot of headaches.
one day, he as at a pet shop , and he saw a very smart and young cockatoos;so hhe had his ideal of teching the parrot ,to address this problem(directing the ppl, to go to the right toilet)so blah blah blah , everythings in order , and the mayor is happy.
after sometime , the young parrot grows into an adult. and he wants his fun but can,t find any his type around, so he went behind the toilet(he works),[be][cr] looking for chicks(hen) from some chicken farm.But he was caught by the farmer.he was bitten and his head feather was pulled clean(bored headed), he turned into a "bo chew teng".[dt] And he was very frustrated and don,t know what is wrong. So he was very down casted, always looking down.
his job ..station betwwen the tiolet entry,[fg] men left and female right...so on that day , he don,t even look up but only glared at his visitors..men ..left , women ..right[bm]:D(he will indicate by talking or shouting....then suddenly, one "bored headed" like him come along, he was stunted temporary(don,t know what to do) then.. he shout for the guy to go behind the toilet...he he.., to the chicken farm..
[:o)][cnf]:D[tx]

[kennho]

An American, a Japanese, and a Belgian were sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That's my pager," he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.

The Belgian felt low-tech and inferior. He didn't know what to do to be as impressive as the American & the Japanese. He decided to take a break in the toilet. When he returned, there was a piece of toilet paper stuck and hanging from his ass.

The others raised their eyebrows and said, "Wow! What's that?" .
The Belgian explained, "I'm getting a FAX."

[kennho]

An American, a Japanese, and a Belgian were sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That's my pager," he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.

The Belgian felt low-tech and inferior. He didn't know what to do to be as impressive as the American & the Japanese. He decided to take a break in the toilet. When he returned, there was a piece of toilet paper stuck and hanging from his ass.

The others raised their eyebrows and said, "Wow! What's that?" .
The Belgian explained, "I'm getting a FAX."

[Toh Chen Han]

A man walking along a California beach was deep in
prayer and he said out loud, "Oh Lord, grant me one
wish."

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a
booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED
to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one
wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive
over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic.
Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of
undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom
of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take!
I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your
desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and
think of another wish, a wish you think would honor
and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time.

Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand
women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they
are thinking when they give me the silent treatment,
why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing',
and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on
that bridge?"

[Toh Chen Han]

A man walking along a California beach was deep in
prayer and he said out loud, "Oh Lord, grant me one
wish."

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a
booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED
to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one
wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive
over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic.
Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of
undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom
of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take!
I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your
desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and
think of another wish, a wish you think would honor
and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time.

Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand
women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they
are thinking when they give me the silent treatment,
why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing',
and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on
that bridge?"

[wanshi]

Here's another one.. amazing that till today, there are still jokes abt clinton circulating around.

Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

She asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said Hillary, "who's clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie." "Whose clock is that?"

"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life."

Hillary asked, "Where's Bill's clock?"

"Bill's clock is in my office. I'm using it as a ceiling fan."

[wanshi]

Here's another one.. amazing that till today, there are still jokes abt clinton circulating around.

Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

She asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said Hillary, "who's clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie." "Whose clock is that?"

"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life."

Hillary asked, "Where's Bill's clock?"

"Bill's clock is in my office. I'm using it as a ceiling fan."

[Ong Ginyew]

Here is one..........realli bo liao one.
but veri funny....enjoy.


http://www.boliao.com/flash/ahlian.html

[Ong Ginyew]

Here is one..........realli bo liao one.
but veri funny....enjoy.


http://www.boliao.com/flash/ahlian.html

[Ong Ginyew]

o ya....volume dun on too loud......soft soft can liao .....i saw d 2nd already still can laugh...lol

[Ong Ginyew]

o ya....volume dun on too loud......soft soft can liao .....i saw d 2nd already still can laugh...lol

[Chris Yew]

Haha, this a GOOD ONE! ;)

quote:Originally posted by Ong Ginyew

Here is one..........realli bo liao one.
but veri funny....enjoy.


http://www.boliao.com/flash/ahlian.html

[Chris Yew]

Haha, this a GOOD ONE! ;)

quote:Originally posted by Ong Ginyew

Here is one..........realli bo liao one.
but veri funny....enjoy.


http://www.boliao.com/flash/ahlian.html

[kennho]

A major research institution (MRI) has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest chemical element yet known to science. The new element has been tentatively named "Governmentium".

Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 225 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 313 . These 313 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass." You will know it when you see it.

[Ong Ginyew]

quote:Originally posted by Chris Yew

Haha, this a GOOD ONE! ;)



ya lor....i think d voice was by karen Mok and 1 old guy from TCS.

[ben fox wong]

Karen Mok is the one cooking "Urinating Prawns" with Steven Chow at the movies, & wears expensive panties to show her fans.

Patricia Mok is the skinny Ah Lian from Ch8 who did a photo shoot like "American Beauty" with roses.

[Toh Chen Han]

Sigh....my hokkien not powderful enuf....cannot get the boliau man thingy.

[Ong Ginyew]

o ya...pai sae...sa la.. its patricia Mok...d skinny Ah lian...hehe
i wonder if they have d english verison...but hokkian version more funny.

[ben fox wong]

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was
sitting in their pews and talking.
>
>Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
>
>
>Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance,
trampling
each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon
the
church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his
pew
without moving.
>
>
>
>So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"
>
>
>
>The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
>
>
>
>"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
>
>"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
>
>"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.
>
>
>"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
>
>
>"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all
eternity?" Persisted Satan.
>
>
>"Yep," was the calm reply.
>
>"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
>
>
>"Nope," said the old man.
>
>
>More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, " Why aren't you afraid of
me?"
>
>
>
>The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

[mohammad asyraf]

dis a good joke to tell! HERE i`ll tell one JOKE!

[mohammad asyraf]

TO MANY TO READ!

[Toh Chen Han]

Have you heard about this guy who took his
> mother-in-law to the
> zoo and threw her into the crocodile pool.
> He is now being sued by the SPCA for being cruel to
> the crocodiles.
> __________________________________________________ _
>
>
> The president of the service club asked his new
> member, "Would you
> like to donate something to the home for the aged?"
> The new member replied, "Yes, my mother-in-law."
> __________________________________________________ _
>
>
> Wife: Dear, this afternoon the big clock fell off
> the wall. Had it
> fallen
> a
> moment sooner, my mother would have been hit on the
> head and badly
> hurt.
> Husband : Oh, my God! That clock has always been
> slow.
> __________________________________________________ _
>
>
> A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said,
> "Darling, its
> my mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy
> her? She would like
> something electric."
> The husband replied, "How about a chair??"
> __________________________________________________ _
>
>
> The lawyer cabled his client overseas: "Your
> mother-in-law passed
> away in her sleep. Shall we order burial, embalming
> or cremation?"
> Back came the reply, "Take no chances - order all
> three."
> __________________________________________________ _
>
>
> At the funeral, a priest was consoling the bereaved
> man, "Come my
> good man, tears cannot restore your mother-in-law.
> "Yes, I know...that's why I'm crying."
> __________________________________________________ _
>
>
> And the best of the lot ..........
> A man was leaving for his office in the morning when
> he noticed a
> most unusual funeral procession approaching the
> nearby cemetery.
> A long black hearse was followed by a second long
> black hearse.
> About 50 feet behind the second hearse was a
> solitary man walking
> a pit bull on a leash. Behind him were 200 men
> walking in a single line.
> The guy couldn't stand the curiosity. He
> respectfully approached the
> man walking the dog and said, "Sir, I know now is a
> bad time to disturb
> you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose
> funeral is it?"
> The man replied "Well, that first hearse is for my
> wife."
> "What happened to her?"
> The man replied "My dog attacked and killed her."
> He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second
> hearse?"
> The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying
> to help my
> wife when the dog turned on her."
> A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes
> between the two
> men.
> "Sir, could I borrow that dog?"
>
>
> "Get in line and follow the Q"

[Toh Chen Han]

Have you heard about this guy who took his
> mother-in-law to the
> zoo and threw her into the crocodile pool.
> He is now being sued by the SPCA for being cruel to
> the crocodiles.
> __________________________________________________ _
>
>
> The president of the service club asked his new
> member, "Would you
> like to donate something to the home for the aged?"
> The new member replied, "Yes, my mother-in-law."
> __________________________________________________ _
>
>
> Wife: Dear, this afternoon the big clock fell off
> the wall. Had it
> fallen
> a
> moment sooner, my mother would have been hit on the
> head and badly
> hurt.
> Husband : Oh, my God! That clock has always been
> slow.
> __________________________________________________ _
>
>
> A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said,
> "Darling, its
> my mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy
> her? She would like
> something electric."
> The husband replied, "How about a chair??"
> __________________________________________________ _
>
>
> The lawyer cabled his client overseas: "Your
> mother-in-law passed
> away in her sleep. Shall we order burial, embalming
> or cremation?"
> Back came the reply, "Take no chances - order all
> three."
> __________________________________________________ _
>
>
> At the funeral, a priest was consoling the bereaved
> man, "Come my
> good man, tears cannot restore your mother-in-law.
> "Yes, I know...that's why I'm crying."
> __________________________________________________ _
>
>
> And the best of the lot ..........
> A man was leaving for his office in the morning when
> he noticed a
> most unusual funeral procession approaching the
> nearby cemetery.
> A long black hearse was followed by a second long
> black hearse.
> About 50 feet behind the second hearse was a
> solitary man walking
> a pit bull on a leash. Behind him were 200 men
> walking in a single line.
> The guy couldn't stand the curiosity. He
> respectfully approached the
> man walking the dog and said, "Sir, I know now is a
> bad time to disturb
> you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose
> funeral is it?"
> The man replied "Well, that first hearse is for my
> wife."
> "What happened to her?"
> The man replied "My dog attacked and killed her."
> He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second
> hearse?"
> The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying
> to help my
> wife when the dog turned on her."
> A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes
> between the two
> men.
> "Sir, could I borrow that dog?"
>
>
> "Get in line and follow the Q"

[ben fox wong]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children...

"You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said,
"You
are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it
manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too
manifests
itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the
hand
and whispers, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

[ben fox wong]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children...

"You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said,
"You
are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it
manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too
manifests
itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the
hand
and whispers, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

[ben fox wong]

After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky
Fried
Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favour.

The Pope says, "What can I do?"
The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us
this
day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do
it,
I'll donate $10 million to the Vatican."

The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I can't
change
the words."
So the Colonel hangs up.

After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls
again.
"Listen your xcellency. I really need your help. I'll donate $20
million if
you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our
daily
bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'

And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The
Church
could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to
support
many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer,
and I
can't change the words." So the Colonel gives up again.

After two more months of terrible sales, the Colonel gets really
desperate.
"This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of
the
daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this
day
our daily chicken' I will donate $50 million to the Vatican."

The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you."

So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he
says, "I
have some good news and some bad news.

The good news is that KFC is going to donate $50 million to the
Vatican."
The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news.

The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we will lose the Delifrance
account."

[ben fox wong]

After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky
Fried
Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favour.

The Pope says, "What can I do?"
The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us
this
day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do
it,
I'll donate $10 million to the Vatican."

The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I can't
change
the words."
So the Colonel hangs up.

After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls
again.
"Listen your xcellency. I really need your help. I'll donate $20
million if
you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our
daily
bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'

And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The
Church
could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to
support
many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer,
and I
can't change the words." So the Colonel gives up again.

After two more months of terrible sales, the Colonel gets really
desperate.
"This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of
the
daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this
day
our daily chicken' I will donate $50 million to the Vatican."

The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you."

So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he
says, "I
have some good news and some bad news.

The good news is that KFC is going to donate $50 million to the
Vatican."
The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news.

The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we will lose the Delifrance
account."

[imported_n/a]

Skill of asking the right question!

Sol and Mort are walking from religious service.
Sol wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.
Mort replies, "Why don't you ask Rabbi Schwartz?"
So Sol goes up to Rabbi Schwartz and asks, "Rabbi, may I smoke while I pray?"
But Rabbi says, "No, my son, you may not. That's utter disrespect to our religion."
Sol goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Rabbi told
him.
Mort says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."
And so Mort goes up to Rabbi Schwartz and asks, "Rabbi, may I pray while I smoke?"
To which Rabbi Schwartz eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means."


Moral:
The reply you get depends on the question you ask

[Eric Yeo]

SUPERMAN in Action

http://user.chollian.net/~sconet21/flash/superman.swf

[Lyon Goh]

too bad i cannot post my jokes, all R(A) jokes!!!

[ernest seow]

Roflmao:D. My thanks for a good show

[Toh Chen Han]

A hunter kills a deer and brings it home.

He decides to clean and serve the venison for supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is - so he does not tell them.

His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner?"

"You'll see", says his dad.

They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating.

"Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint: Its what your mother sometimes calls me."

The girl suddenly screams at her little brother,

"Spit it out! It's asshol*!"

[ben fox wong]

Fish joke

Ques: what type of fish would a gay be?

ans : blowfish

[ben fox wong]

Fish joke

Ques: what type of fish would a gay be?

ans : blowfish

[Toh Chen Han]

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John"
letter
from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is
just
too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've
been
gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the
picture of me that I sent to you.
Love, Becky

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any
snapshots
they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters,
ex-girlfriends,aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky,
Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had
collected
from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with
this
note:

Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your
picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care,Ricky

[Toh Chen Han]

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John"
letter
from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is
just
too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've
been
gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the
picture of me that I sent to you.
Love, Becky

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any
snapshots
they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters,
ex-girlfriends,aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky,
Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had
collected
from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with
this
note:

Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your
picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care,Ricky

[Chris Yew]

Interesting Answering Machine Message

1. "My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished."

2. "A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message."

3. "Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money."

4. "Hi. Now you say something."

5. "Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."

6. "Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"

7. (From Japanese friend) "He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!"

8. "Hi! Kathy's answering machine is broken. This is her refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."

9. "Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."

10. "This is not an answering machine. This is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."

11. "Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

12. "Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."

13. "If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."

14. "Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us."

15. "Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right ... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you."

[Ronnie Lau]

Somewhere, sometime in the Matrix part two......
Neo to Agent Smith : "Haven't you realised that I am the ONE"
Agent Smith : " So what?? I am the two, the four, the eight.....the two thousand two hundred and eighty two......."

[Ronnie Lau]

Somewhere, sometime in the Matrix part two......
Neo to Agent Smith : "Haven't you realised that I am the ONE"
Agent Smith : " So what?? I am the two, the four, the eight.....the two thousand two hundred and eighty two......."

[VictoriaParnell]

A bear was chasing a rabbit through the forest when they both run into a magic lamp and, POOF! a genie appears. He says "Because you were both responsible for freeing me, I will grant you three wishes each!"

The bear goes first. "I wish that every other bear in this forest except for me was female!" POOF! the other bears all turn female and start batting their eyelashes at the bear.

The rabbit looks at the bear a moment, then says "I wish I had a motorcycle helmet." POOF! a helmet appears on his head.

The bear is thinking, Stupid rabbit, wasting a wish on something like that! Then he roars "I wish all the bears in the next forest were females too!" and POOF!, the neighboring bears turn into girls.

Rabbit says quietly, "I wish I had a motorcycle." POOF! a motorcycle appears beside him.

Bear laughs mockingly and thinks, Dumb rabbit, he could have wished for a million motorcycles! Then he says aloud, "I wish all the bears in the ENTIRE WORLD were female!" And POOF!, female bears as far as the eye could see.

The rabbit climbs onto his motorcycle, grins at the bear, and says "I wish this bear was gay." And speeds away as fast as he can go.

[VictoriaParnell]

A bear was chasing a rabbit through the forest when they both run into a magic lamp and, POOF! a genie appears. He says "Because you were both responsible for freeing me, I will grant you three wishes each!"

The bear goes first. "I wish that every other bear in this forest except for me was female!" POOF! the other bears all turn female and start batting their eyelashes at the bear.

The rabbit looks at the bear a moment, then says "I wish I had a motorcycle helmet." POOF! a helmet appears on his head.

The bear is thinking, Stupid rabbit, wasting a wish on something like that! Then he roars "I wish all the bears in the next forest were females too!" and POOF!, the neighboring bears turn into girls.

Rabbit says quietly, "I wish I had a motorcycle." POOF! a motorcycle appears beside him.

Bear laughs mockingly and thinks, Dumb rabbit, he could have wished for a million motorcycles! Then he says aloud, "I wish all the bears in the ENTIRE WORLD were female!" And POOF!, female bears as far as the eye could see.

The rabbit climbs onto his motorcycle, grins at the bear, and says "I wish this bear was gay." And speeds away as fast as he can go.

[vinceyeo]

LOL victoria good one haha!!!

[vinceyeo]

LOL victoria good one haha!!!

[Bond]

This doe deer, came walking out of the woods mubleling to herself, i'll never do that again for two bucks.

Later Bond

[Bond]

This doe deer, came walking out of the woods mubleling to herself, i'll never do that again for two bucks.

Later Bond

[Daniel Chia]

Hi Everyone,

Here's a Hong Kong website that I find particularly funny. Do take some time to look in it. The Confucius in Hong Kong and the HK Underground (MRT) Names Translated are especially funny.

http://www.paris-hongkong.com

It's something like Singapore's http://www.talkingcock.com

[Ronnie Lau]

Why is President Bush not listened to by Isreal?

BECAUSE THE LAST TIME THEY LISTENED TO A BUSH, THEY HAD TO WANDER IN THE WILDERNESS FOR 40 YEARS !!

[Daniel Chia]

[u]7 Habits of Highly Effective Ah Bengs</u>
(Adapted from Steven Covey's 7 Habits of Highly Effective People)

Habit No 1: Be Pro-Active
Kin Ka Kin Chiew (fast leg, fast hand)

Habit No 2: Begin with the End In Mind
Ooh Tao Ooh Buay (have head, have tail)

Habit No 3: First Things First
Chik Hung Chik Hung Lai - Ban Ban Lai
(One thing at a time, slow and steady); or
Cho Tow Seng (do first)

Habit No 4: Think Win-Win
Long Chong Ai Yarh (want to win in everything)

Habit No 5: Seek To Understand Rather Than To Be Understood
Cho Lang Ai Eh Beng Pek (you must be understanding)

Habit No 6: Synergize
Tai Kay Ai Hup Chop (all must co-perate)

Habit No 7: Sharpen the Saw
Toh Bua Lai Lai

?? http://www.TalkingCock.com 2000. All rights reserved.

[Myron Tay]

http://www.bettaclub.org.sg/forum/uploaded/Myron Tay/200453143150_How_to_tell_sex_of_fish.jpg

[Myron Tay]

Exam Answers:

http://www.bettaclub.org.sg/forum/uploaded/Myron Tay/20046194022_2.jpg

http://www.bettaclub.org.sg/forum/uploaded/Myron Tay/20046194036_5.jpg

http://www.bettaclub.org.sg/forum/uploaded/Myron Tay/20046194051_12.jpg

http://www.bettaclub.org.sg/forum/uploaded/Myron Tay/2004619410_19.jpg

http://www.bettaclub.org.sg/forum/uploaded/Myron Tay/2004619417_20.jpg

http://www.bettaclub.org.sg/forum/uploaded/Myron Tay/20046194118_22.jpg

http://www.bettaclub.org.sg/forum/uploaded/Myron Tay/20046194125_23.jpg

[Myron Tay]

Exam Answers:

http://www.bettaclub.org.sg/forum/uploaded/Myron Tay/20046194022_2.jpg

http://www.bettaclub.org.sg/forum/uploaded/Myron Tay/20046194036_5.jpg

http://www.bettaclub.org.sg/forum/uploaded/Myron Tay/20046194051_12.jpg

http://www.bettaclub.org.sg/forum/uploaded/Myron Tay/2004619410_19.jpg

http://www.bettaclub.org.sg/forum/uploaded/Myron Tay/2004619417_20.jpg

http://www.bettaclub.org.sg/forum/uploaded/Myron Tay/20046194118_22.jpg

http://www.bettaclub.org.sg/forum/uploaded/Myron Tay/20046194125_23.jpg

[Daniel Chia]

You know you're addicted when...

- You take better care of your tanks than you do your vehicle.
- The first thing that moves when you move are your tanks.
- Your tanks get their own room.
- Your idea of a vacation is going to look for cool new things for your aquarium at pet stores.
- You go into a pet store and the employees ask you what kind of plants or fish they have.
- You buy fish as an excuse to buy another tank.
- You use the excuse "Ahh come on honey the next tank will be yours I promise" to get another tank.
- Your daughter can identify more species of fish than most pet store employees.
- The refrigerator is bare except for the frozen fish food.
- You buy a $200 water purification system for your fish tank while you're still drinking out of the tap.

?? Sean Furney

[Daniel Chia]

http://www.bettaclub.org.sg/forum/uploaded/Daniel%20Chia/200462420357_comic6.jpg

?? Susan Schauer, Lorain County Aquarium Society

[Myron Tay]

Appraisal Report

The HR manager received the following appraisal report one day:
1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.

Later that day, the same HR manager received the following addendum:

Addendum:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

[Myron Tay]

Prison VS. Work
Just in case you ever got the two mixed up, This should make things a
bit more clear....
IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK...you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.
IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors
for yourself.
IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the toilet.
IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't speak to your family.
IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work
required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they
deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside
bars.
IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...they are called managers.

[Myron Tay]

Prison VS. Work
Just in case you ever got the two mixed up, This should make things a
bit more clear....
IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK...you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.
IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors
for yourself.
IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the toilet.
IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't speak to your family.
IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work
required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they
deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside
bars.
IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...they are called managers.

[Daniel Chia]

[u]The English Language</u>

Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal?

If teachers taught, why dona

[Todd Knight]

Humour Aussie style.


&gt; &gt; These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism
&gt; &gt; Website where World-wide visitors could post questions... Obviously the
&gt; &gt; answers came from a fellow Aussie.
&gt; &gt;
&gt; &gt; Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV,
&gt; &gt; so how do the plants grow? (UK)
&gt; &gt; A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching
&gt; &gt; them die.
&gt; &gt;
&gt; &gt; Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
&gt; &gt; A: Depends how much you've been drinking
&gt; &gt;
&gt; &gt; Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad
&gt; &gt; tracks? (Sweden)
&gt; &gt; A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...
&gt; &gt;
&gt; &gt; Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a
&gt; &gt; list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
&gt; &gt; A: What did your last slave die of?
&gt; &gt;
&gt; &gt; Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?
&gt; &gt; (USA)
&gt; &gt; A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of
&gt; &gt; Europe.Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific
&gt; &gt; which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo
&gt; &gt; racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross.
&gt; &gt;
&gt; &gt; Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
&gt; &gt; A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and
&gt; &gt; we'll send the rest of the directions.
&gt; &gt;
&gt; &gt; Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
&gt; &gt; A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
&gt; &gt;
&gt; &gt; Q. Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
&gt; &gt; A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
&gt; &gt; is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night
&gt; &gt; in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races.
&gt; &gt;
&gt; &gt; Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
&gt; &gt; A: No, WE don't stink.
&gt; &gt;
&gt; &gt; Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you
&gt; &gt; tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
&gt; &gt; A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
&gt; &gt;
&gt; &gt; Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
&gt; &gt; A: Only at Christmas.
&gt; &gt;
&gt; &gt; Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
&gt; &gt; A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.
&gt; &gt;
&gt; &gt; Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year
&gt; &gt; round? (Germany)
&gt; &gt; A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is
&gt; &gt; illegal.
&gt; &gt;
&gt; &gt; Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
&gt; &gt; rattlesnake serum. USA)
&gt; &gt; A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All
&gt; &gt; Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make
&gt; &gt; good pets.
&gt; &gt;
&gt; &gt; Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
&gt; &gt; A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

[Daniel Chia]

A taxi was carrying a Japanese tourist and it was heading to Changi Airport. As the taxi was speeding along the expressway, it was overtaken by a Mazda RX-8. This made the Japanese tourist very pleased and he exclaimed, "Mazda very fast... Made in Japan neh..."

A while later, the taxi was overtaken by a Toyota MR2 Roadster. The Japanese tourist was similarly pleased and he shouted, "Toyota very fast... Made in Japan neh..."

When the taxi reached the airport, the taxi driver told the Japanese tourist that the fare was $50. The Japanese felt that the price was unreasonable and demanded to know the reason for the high fare. The taxi driver replied, "Taxi meter very fast... Made in Japan neh..."

[Myron Tay]

This is a classic list of names to avoid:

1)Anne Chang (Mandarin) - Dirty
2)Anne Chin (Mandarin) - Keep quiet
3)Faye Chen (Mandarin) - Dusty
4)Carl Cheng (Mandarin) - Buttock
5)Monica Cheng (Hokkien) - Touching your buttocks
6)Lucy Leow (Hokkien) - You are dead
7)Jane Tan (Mandarin) - Frying eggs
8)Suzie Leow (Hokkien) - Lost till death
9)Henry Mah (Mandarin) - Hate your mum
10)Corrine Tai (Hokkien) - Poor fellow
11)Paul Chan (Mandarin) - Bankrupt
12)Nelson Tan (Mandarin) - Bird laying eggs
13)Leslie Tong (Mandarin) - Rubbish bin
14)Carmen Tng (Hokkien) - Leg hair long
15)Connie Mah (Cantonese) - Call your mother
16)Danny See (Hokkien) - Squeeze you to death
17)Rosie Teng (Hokkien) - Screws and nails
18)Pete Tsai (Hokkien) - Nose droppings
19)Macy Koh (Cantonese) - Never die before